Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
