worst night to have a conscience
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
