I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
