My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
