my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
