I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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