he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
