well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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