i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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