i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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