I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
