You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We left the knife in your bed.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
