Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
