you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
