there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
As shirtless as possible
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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