this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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