I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
We're too hungover to prance.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
