My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
