im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
