sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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