I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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