no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My hand turned me down
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
