Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
