My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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