Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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