Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Randomize
