he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
