I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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