i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
