just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
