She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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