If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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