If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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