that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
