how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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