So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
