i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize