My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
