tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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