If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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