He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
