look no pants
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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