sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
