when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
