there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
