I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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