What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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