she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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