I think im going to throw up on grandma
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Let's get the cat blown out
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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