i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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