how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
