Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
