I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
