I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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