I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
