i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
