Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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