youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize