hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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