im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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